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Similar to I Must Be Part Squirrel, I Attract All The Nuts

RoseKiss
In my family, if you're normal then you're adopted.
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If you want to change the world, do it while you're single.
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I'm not short. I'm just compact and ridiculously adorable
Mike-Ross
I don't like to think before I speak.
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if you could read my mind. You'd back away slowly then run for your life!!
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Having a rough day?
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You can't choose your family but you can ignore their phone calls
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My alone time is for your own safety!
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Rivers never go reverse.
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My bed is a magical place
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My money just waves goodbye
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When you're in a restaurant and you see your food coming
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Hello! You've reached my profile
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The love between Mother & daughter is forever!
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I'm so glad friends don't come with price tags.
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You don't have to be crazy to hang out with me
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I recently applied for a part time job at a mental hospital.
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I love how in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?"
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Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
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You know why you like me? Because you are freaking crazy too
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Sometimes I just wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old and the energy of a 3 year old
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My secret talent
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My attitude is based on how you treat me.
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The one who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
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Breaking News! I don't care
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Life could be worse. Milk could have pulp.
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I do not snore! I just dreams I'm a motorcycle
kylesportsman
I don't mind and you don't matter.
FoxIsHere
Why is it that the one who snores always goes to sleep first!
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I wanna be like a caterpillar, eat a lot, sleep loads and then wake up beautiful
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Being a baby must be traumatizing at times.
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Don't be too hard on yourself.
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If you have the power to make someone happy, do it.
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I love waving at random people
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Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed
timboss
Sometimes the only thing I can say is "Really?"
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Toilet stolen from police station...cops have nothing to go on.
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RonnySteel
I'm not crazy, I prefer the term mentally hilarious
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No one runs in your family
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I remember years ago when all i wanted to be was older. I was wrong!
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Did you know? Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom
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Banana Language
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Always believe that something wonderful is going to happen.
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I didn't fall, the floor just needed a hug.
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My doctor asked if any member of my family suffered from insanity...I said nope, we all seem to enjoy it!
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I told the doctor i broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
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Date someone who looks at you like a minion looks at a banana
daisydoll
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered kindergarten.
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Never forget three types of people in your life.
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4 Levels Of Crazy
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I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge
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FreeThinker71
Beyond every angry women stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
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I'm not crazy, I'm just special!
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The oldest computer was owned by adam and eve. It was an apple with very limited memory. Just 1 byte and everything crashed.
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JamieFlower
I'm not sure if my body can handle much more of this "getting out of bed" nonsense.
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When I get a headache. I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children just like it says on the bottle
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Have you ever just looked at someone and said...."Seriously?"
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Never blame anyone in your life. Good people give you happiness. Bad people give you experience. Worst people give you a lesson. And best people give you memories.
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Time for Christmas chilling
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I just ran 5 miles and what a workout! I didn't think that ice cream truck would ever stop.
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We all know mirrors don't like...I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.
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Sometimes I question my sanity, sometimes it replies!
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No matter what people think of you...always keep smiling and walk away
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I seriously just wanna cuddle up and watch an old disney movie with hot chocolate and ignore life and everyone and everything
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God is watching over me
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I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before new year
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10 Top Funny Minion Quotes

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