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Similar to Louis CK Dating Joke

Mike-Ross
When you accidentally send a screenshot to the person you screenshotted
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Mike-Ross
2 hours of cooking just to eat everything in 10 minutes and now I've gotta wash everything
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Mike-Ross
Rule no. 1, never trust how you feel about your life after 9pm
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Mike-Ross
When your alarm goes off and you start wondering if your job is really worth it.
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Mike-Ross
When you tell someone you're broke and they try to comfort you instead of giving you money
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timboss
Shhh I'm hiding from Monday, bring coffee
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timboss
Dating me & posting me ain't enough. I wanna be with you on your driver's license.
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timboss
I'm amazing! Everyday I turn water into coffee
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JamieFlower
Me wondering how I've managed to spend all my money when we're only half way through the month
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RoseKiss
The older I get, the more getting home from work seems to be the highlight of my day...
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RoseKiss
Me the night before a shift wishing that the power would fail at my work so i can have a day off
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RoseKiss
Ever get really excited to finally have some time off, but then just end up spending the entire day like this...
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RoseKiss
There's a very good chance that I'm probably sleeping
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Some coworkers really do turn into friends who you honestly couldn't imagine your life without
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RoseKiss
Adult life is spending every Sunday wishing that you didn't have to go to work the next day
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RoseKiss
Staying up late always seems like a great idea until you set your alarm and realize you only have a couple hours until you need to be up for work
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Trying to get emotionally prepared for the work day ahead
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daisydoll
I'm fifty years old, I was on a heating pad eating cheetos
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Mike-Ross
I can't wait to walk down the aisle...to find my seat on the plane
Mike-Ross
Me and my fav coworker trying to emotional prepare ourselves at the start of every shift
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Mike-Ross
Me on my lunch break deciding whether or not I should go back to work
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Mike-Ross
Me in the bathroom at work trying to figure out if i should get back to work or keep hiding
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MarissaRocks
"The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes" Who??? Who are these people???
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MarissaRocks
Recent studies show that the most expensive vehicle to operate in today's world is the grocery cart.
waterbaby
I'm not saying that I'm an expert, but I have a Ph.D in making bad decisions.
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Dreamer
I don't want to party like it's 1999. I want to go grocery shopping like it's 1999.
Dreamer
I'm not crazy, I'm just creatively insane.
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RonnySteel
That 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog
MarissaRocks
Enjoy your weekend cause Monday will be here in 20 minutes.
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MarissaRocks
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
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waterbaby
I smile because you're my family...i laugh because there's nothing you can do about it!
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Mike-Ross
If my man got $0 and I got $1000 we both got $0
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Mike-Ross
Me looking at my friend if we saw the same thing.
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Mike-Ross
Me telling my problems to my pet
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Mike-Ross
Your cat is not your baby
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Me recharging for 6 months after going out one Saturday night.
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Me on self-care nights treating myself the way i deserve.
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Mike-Ross
Me waiting for a text back after I said leave me alone
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Mike-Ross
How me and my bestie gonna be in 60 years
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Mike-Ross
When i say extra caramel, this is what I mean
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Mike-Ross
When your kid is bad but you still love him
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Mike-Ross
Just call me if you need me....also my phone:
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Mike-Ross
When i say more sour cream this what I mean
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Mike-Ross
Me after eating food
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Mike-Ross
Seeing my sister happy is priceless
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Mike-Ross
Me listening to a conversation that's none of my business
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Mike-Ross
Don't worry about getting older. You're still going to do dumb stuff, only slower.
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Mike-Ross
I miss the good ole days when bills didn't have my name on them.
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Mike-Ross
Spending money on disappointing food is a different type of pain.
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Mike-Ross
I never met a problem i couldn't make worse.
Mike-Ross
Every day i wake up wanting to be nice, Then people ruin it for me.
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Mike-Ross
Once upon a time, I was young, fun and semi-sane. Then i joined facebook and met all of you
Mike-Ross
If you call me on speaker phone, remember that is a huge mistake for you
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Mike-Ross
You call it coffee. I call it my emotional support beverage.
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waterbaby
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Mike-Ross
I'm proud of myself for not being fake, I'm difficult sometimes and have a few screws loose but I'm 100% me.
daisydoll
Does anyone else check their facebook like the morning paper?
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daisydoll
Yesterday I did nothing. Today I'm finishing what I started today.
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daisydoll
The rich get richer, the lazy live for free, the middle class continue to pay for it all. Follow me for more reality checks
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daisydoll
I thought growing old would take longer.
daisydoll
I wish facebook would notify me when someone unfriends me so i could like it
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daisydoll
I'm here in body but not mind...my mind is in bed where my body wishes it could be
daisydoll
The best part of waking up...is still a mystery to me
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daisydoll
Time to get up and get going. Today's bad decisions aren't going to make themself
daisydoll
I'm not bothered by my age, I just don't like all of the side effects.
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Mike-Ross
Work can't stress you out if you just don't go in...
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